I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
