Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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