My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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