It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
