My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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