yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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