the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
