Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
