no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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