I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
