I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
