how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
