My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
