the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My vagina is very pro this idea
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
