Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize