2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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