yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if only i could text you this smell
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my being single is dangerous.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
