They should really pass out barf bags in church
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
