I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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