I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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