this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
