i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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