i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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