I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
