Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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