But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
