Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...