I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is