Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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