she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
