I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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