I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
