Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
