alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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