On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
