Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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