Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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