Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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