Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
