I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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