he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
