Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
