it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
