I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
