Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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