bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
