Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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