There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My ATM looks so different sober.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
