So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
