i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
