you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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