I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
