like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
