She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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