Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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