My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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