apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
