dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
